“Wake-up calls at the Holiday Inn are getting a bit out of control.”

Welcome to the apocalypse! Yes in the way too distant future of 1990. I’ts Bush economics, grunge rock, and the rise of Oprah so it must be the end of civilization. This film was actually made in 1982 but the director pulled a Nostradamus on us predicting the end of the world was only 8 short years from then. I had just started stocking up on canned goods when Roseanne Bar sang the national anthem that year so I was already ahead of the curve. In this “future” the Bronx have become so crime ridden and corrupt that the mayor of New York just seals it off and let’s anarchy reign, sort of like Jersey except with Hell’s Angels and knife fights. Stefania Girolami, plays Ann, a ditzy blonde on the run from the safe city streets, who heads over to the Bronx via an un-guarded bridge. Border security’s still a problem in “THE FUTURE!”

Her greeting party is a gang of hockey rejects donning roller skates and shoulder pads. Instead of laughing uncontrollably she actually tries to escape them, most likely in fear of catching a case of their hockey hair. Yah it’s a Canadian disease that manifests itself in the form of mullets and a thirst for maple syrup ya hoser. The hockey league is broken up though when a gang called the “riders” who supposedly run the city show up just in time on their crappy Japanese motorcycles complete with skull night-lights and scare away the canucks. “Trash” is their fearless dim-witted leader, a muscle with feet played by Mark Gregory. His painful attempts at acting are like watching someone pass a gal stone, tedious and uncomfortable. We also get amazing quotes from Trash like “We are born dead” or “you bastards!” That pretty much sums up 90% of his dialog along with random empty stares into space or constant looks of being perplexed. You’ll also notice how he can’t walk and talk at the same time which probably due his permanent ultra-wedgie fitting jeans. The leaders of the Manhattan Corporation back in the city wants to get Ann back as she’s the heiress to the company fortune so they attempt to send in a over-the-hill undercover cop disguised as a postal worker who refers to himself as “the Hammer.” His mission is to infiltrate the gang, get her out , and destroy as many innocent bystanders as possible. Where’s Kurt Russel when you need him?

Along with that problem the Riders also have to deal with a rival gang called the the Tigers (yet another dull gang name) who are also trying to take over the Bronx. They’re a fashion challenged group in their 70’s influenced pimp suits driving around in their 1930’s street rods. It’s always the “bro’s before ho’s.” It seems that the Tigers killed one of the Riders by impaling him on a riverside dock in a late night scuffle because he was carrying a “gizmo.” What does the gizmo do? I don’t know or really care but there is a cool drum solo and a long stand-off by the river where everyone tries to out-stare each other, a skill Trash has excelled at. Nothing is worth fighting gangs of hockey players, off broadway rejects, and a strange gang of gay tap dancers.

It’s like West side story all over again when “Trash” and his cohorts “Hot Dog”, “Trash”, “Ice”, and other household-object named gangsters start to pick fights. Trash enlists the help of the king of the Bronx, the great Ogre but when Trash says it in his bad New York accent it sorta sound like “Yogurt.”

“I need to find Yogurt!” “Yogurt can help us!” yes it can with fewer calories and a fruit rich taste.

Yogurt, I mean Ogre, is obviously the king of all the pimps with  his zebra animal hides draped over roman columns adorning his luxurious outdoor Coleman tents. A headquarters where his followers hang out and figure out their next big raid or discuss decoration tips on fengshui. He is accompanied by “Witch” (Betty Dessy) a dominatrix who uses her handy whip to grab bad guys by the neck or stabs them with some stainless steel finger knives (they should have known the safety word.)

A big battle royal occurs between the gangs and the city police who infiltrate their hideout from a tips provided to them by a double-agent. The cops arrive on horseback using the most logical weapon of choice, a flame flower and proceed to light up gangsters like camping smores. The attack is lead by the Hammer (I said you can’t touch this!) and they all start torching every pimp and Hell’s Angel in sight. The hilarity at the fight choreography is something to see, sort of like a bad high school play version of a kung-fu film. There’s some double crossing and foot stabbing but none of it really matters to this cheese wax thin plotline. What really makes this move fun is the great English dubbed Italian dialog.

“Where you come from?” “I came her purposely”

“This whole operations is hush hush”

“You’ve been using your whip again?” “Yeah just like you taught me.”

“Your playing with fire” “I know and I love it…I love it!”

Wow! Shakespeare would be proud. So give it a try, it’s definitely worth a rental but always remember to throw the burial ashes down-wind.

Keep an eye out for…

- pimp-ka-bob’s
- burial ash tossing
- Hammer harpooning
- glowing skull night lights
- hockey gymborees
- tap dancing gangs
- postal workers going postal
- drummer auditions next to impaled dead guys
- Lee press-on knives
- Amazing Ginsu work-boots
- Zebra skin outdoor decoration
- extreme chest vests
- flame throwing equestrians

You know your mama loves you when she names you “Trash”

rated 7.5 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the opening credit sequence for 1990: The Bronx Warriors

“Make any sudden moves and you’ll get an arrow straight through your thunderdome.”

What is the appeal of NASCAR? I’ve watched it a few times on tv and will wake up for the occasional wall smash or mid lane collision. But overall it’s watching cars go endlessly around in circles all at about the same numbing pace. Like a marching band parade at 200 mph. Where’s Rusty Wheeler yelling to his pit crew”Rubbin’s is racing!” and slamming into another car into the outside wall at 200 mph all the while an 80’s soundtrack blares in the background. Days of Thunder this ain’t. Nope Instead I get to be treated to the views of beer bellied fans with the number 31 painted on their tools sheds while they sit on top of their big RV’s scratching themselves. Is that a stereotype of Nascar fans…no it’s a stereotype of RV drivers.

In The Road Warrior, the racing is much more interesting with no spectators and the stakes are your life for gasoline. At $3.25 per gallon I can see why people even today might consider running that Humvee off the road and siphon off it’s fuel supply, but in post apocalyptic Australia it’s purely a matter of survival. Mel “Catholic to the extreme” Gilbson plays The Road Warrior. A man whose lost everything and now travels the desolate highways scavaging for food and gasoline for his muscle car. Not a Speedway or Arby’s in sight he comes across a booby trapped homemade helicopter instead. After a brief stint with a rattle snake and a bad toothed Brit he learns about a nearby operational oil refinery where he could stock up on supplies.

Mel takes the Monty Python wanna-be hostage to track down the oil refinery but finds that it’s also being stalked by a crazy gang of outlander barbarians who want to take the refinery for their own. Lead by a balding muscleman in a hockey mask, they continue to attack the barricaded compound while he spouts his keen observations through a mega phone. It’s sorta like a muscle car truck rally without the high ticket prices.

Mel eventually makes a deal with the leader of the compound to help them all escape to a tropical paradise and with the help of a small furry midget boy who has a striking reemblence to Bam-bam from the  Flintstones,  he hauls the fuel tanker out with a beat up old semi truck. Ehat ensues could be one of the best post apocalyptic car chases and semi truck fight scenes ever….ok it might just be the only one but still a lot of fun to watch. What struck me odd was the fact that the people defended this compound with a flamethrower and a seemingly endless supplies of bows and arrows. Did someone lose all the guns? At least they had a good supply of used football equipment to use for costumes.

Definitely one to watch again if you haven’t seen it for a while. Sad to say I haven’t seen the original Mad Max but plan to now that I’ve experience the greatness of the Road Warrior….and yes I’ve seen Thunderdome..all I got to say to that is “Big wheels keep on turnin’ …turnin’…”

Keep an eye out for…

- football shoulder pads of the apocalypse
- Bad British dental care
- dog food gourmet
- sharp shooter hockey players of wastelands
- bommer-rang Ginsu knives
- Bam-Bam from the Flintstones
- Armageddon archery club

Fortunately Mel Gibson wasn’t drinking when filming Road Warrior. Nothing worse than getting pulled over after the apocalypse on DUI.

rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for The Road Warrior

“Now that’s some ultra spicy chili…I think I’m going to need a Tums.”

Happy Halloween!! Just got back from a brief trick or treating trip with the kids. My daughter got tired and wanted to come home and watch Casper on DVD. A truly terrifying movie if your a cute puppy scared of rainbows. I remember when I was the trick or treating age and we’d go across the whole neighborhood by ourselves and amazingly return in one piece. No chainsaw maniacs chasing us through the woods, no mutants in hockey masks waiting for a spontaneous camping trip…but hey we still had fun. So now we’re working on starting our sugar coma. Amazing how many things you can put sugar in these days and call it edible.

In The cult classic “From Beyond” there’s also plenty of midnight snacking as well though mostly the sucking of people’s brains through their eye sockets but hey that always a nutritional snack between larger meals.

Stuart Gordon returns after making the classic Re-animator with this lesser known yet just as weird and twisted horror film. Dr. Pretorious (Ted Sorel) and his assistant, Dr. Tillinghast (Jeffery Combs), are working in an old mansion on a experiment with sound tones that will allow them to enter a new alternate reality. They do this by stimulating the pineal gland of the human brain with giant tuning forks. Besides giving them major headaches and making dogs twitch they can see the alternate reality inhabited by giant jelly fish and mutant lampreys.

Dr Pretorious is beheaded by a unseen netherworld creature and the cops blame Crawford. Because he obviously bit the head off and hid it somewhere. Locked away in a mental institute to practice his big line about biting off ginger bread heads, he’s soon let go by a young phsychologists played by Barbara Crampton who wants to study the doctor’s experiment. Along with Buford ‘Bubba’ Brownlee (wow could they come up with a more racist name?) they travel back to the house to start up the old hoover tuning fork.

The alternate reality has weird side consequences though as it turns the Physcologist, Katherine McMichaels, into a nymophomaniac dominatrix and cause Crawford to sprout a third eye appendage out of his forehead with built in predator infrared vision. I believe the sound of Kenny G. will have similar effects if played at the right pitch.

Within the alternate reality they soon discover that that Dr. Pretorious is not only alive and has regained his cranial region but is also apparently made of silly putty and can now take weird demon forms and of course has the ability the copy newspaper comics by laying on them. This new super-uber evil Doctor wants to eat their brains for the ultimate sensory experience much like a trip to Denny’s at 3 in the morning. Soon Crawford’s pineal gland pops out his forehead and leads him around town as he sucks out people’s brains through their eyeball sockets! Wow! if you gotta die that’s one of the worse ways of going. You’d think it would be tough to suck out a eyeball though…thick milkshakes are tough through a straw but an whole eyeball…that would be even more a challenge. I’m sure you’ll see it on Fear Factor.

Anyways it all comes down to a big battle in the mansion as the alternate reality spreads throughout the home creating all sorts of nasty creatures covered in goo in every room. Bubba gets eaten by ravenous flies while trying to save his friends only to utter the words…”urgh….gg…..gghjagr..tfttt”. We’ll always remember that Bubba, your kind words of wisdom.
Definitely a must see horror movie especially if you enjoyed the Re-animator series or area fan of HP Lovecraft since this film is based on one his short stories. Have a wonderful Halloween and remember to check under your bed tonight for anything that might eat your brain.

Keep a third eye out for…

- alternate reality tape worms
- nymphomaniac psychologists
- flesh eating mutant fly swarms
- the rapid hair removal monster method
- skull socket brain sucking and brain munching
- thermo-vision, brain seeking pituitary glands (predator vision)
- spontaneous self fixing electrical lines
- tuning forks of doom

Great now we’ll get spam for Viagra treatments for Pineal Glands “Not feeling like eating brains like you used to…try our new Piagra!”

rated 9.2 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for The Beyond…love the last line “Bite off his head like a gingerbread man” Do Gingerbreads go around biting off people’s heads?

“Why would someone put the toilet in the middle of the living room?”

I’ve endured the pain of Gymkata, suffered the Nilbog torture of Troll 2, suffered the tons of farm manure shoveled out by Manos the Hands of Fate. But I could never wish the deep hurting that the movie Starcrash rained down on me. Like getting hit in the gut with a sledge hammer just before you’re pushed off a cliff into a pit of rusted Cadillacs, this movie will make you beg for the excitement of waiting in line at a bank or watching c-span after downing a bottle of Benadryl. I am still suffering post traumatic shock disorder from this movie. I close my eyes and still see the people swimming in space.

Stella Star is a space smuggler super model with a fetish for wearing black leather space bikini’s when fighting evil. Her Playboy profile would read something like “enjoys longs swims in outerspace, prefers men that are bulky robots, turns offs are evil minions, cavemen, PMS-ing giant robot women, and snow.”

I would try to summarize a plot to this film but as far as I could tell there really wasn’t one. It would have just gotten in the way anyways. Stella along with her faithful robot companion Akton, named after a failed diet plan, are fleeing the space police in their goofy looking space cruiser. Maybe they’re just out to replace the giant Christmas bulbs that makeup the background space scenes. Akton has the uncanny ability to make Pink Floyd light shows in his hand for his own amusement and can even see into the near future but most of the time it’s seemingly random irrelevant information. It would be like having the ability of predicting what’s for dinner or when the mail is coming. Not exactly hero worthy.

Stella ends up on a prison planet hauling giant glowing beach balls while working out in her favorite bikini. The beach balls are supposedly powering the prison though they should have just harvested the power of the various perms adorning the actors throughout the film. It’s a little known fact that perms were a major power source in the 1970’s. Each strain of hair is a elaborate network of solar cells creating a vast network of….oh wait I’m having another Starcrash flashback.

Stella escapes and with her other robot boy-toy Elle, who looks to have been hastily assembled with used pinball machine parts and a free-range oven. They decide to explore an ice planet together when their ship is sabotaged by a green Spock wanna-be so they end up frozen like cryogenic TV dinners. But Elle holds Stella’s hand and miraculously that keeps her all warm and fuzzy inside preserved like a galactic pop-tart.

The movie could end right there but unfortunately they are thawed later back on the ship with only a hint of freezer burn. On yet another planet they battle against a giant nippled girl robot who looks liked it was hastily put together by a 9 year old kid with a roll of tinfoil and duct tape. They’re also attacked by some wild woman of Womba who fall down easily via a standard karate chop to the neck. This just happens to be a the only defense move Stella has so they easily escape. Suddenly Christopher Plummer shows up as the galactic emperor and freezes time. What the heck is Christopher Plummer doing in this movie anyways? He must have had some mob debts to pay off.

They finally get the help of a prince played by David Hasselhoff before his Knight Ridder days and before he didn’t need to suck in his gut for Baywatch sand running. David helps fight off attacking cavemen with a mask that shoots powerful laser beams out it’s eye holes. David is relegated to the backup hero role while Akton fights off robots with a light saber or to be constantly out acted by his permed hair

There’s also an evil Count Zartan based loosely on Darth Vadar, if Darth Vadar was a small creepy bipolar Latino with greased pointy hair who can’t stop yelling “KILL THEM!!!” Count Zartan intends to take over the universe via a super secret weapon that drives people insane from giant lava lamps special effects. He accomplishes this all from his fortress of kung-fu grip which is shaped like a giant hand. I was almost expecting the fortress to flip me the finger but that probably would have blown the rest of the $6.00 budget.

There’s a big space battle royal with lots of looping film footage and firework explosions. In case you never seen a spaceship launch before, the director is more than happy to show it you a dozen or so times over and over again. Laser blasts a pletny, model kits on fire, light saber duals and poorly balanced robot guards round out the film. And just when you think you’ve seen it all you geet torpedoes packed with imperial soldiers launched at the evil count’s base ship! A failed military tactic if I ever saw one.

Really this movie has to be seen to be believed. Definitely entertaining and purely awful. A so bad it’s good experience like fizz candy and Coca -Cola mixed together. Sure you’ll get a sugar buzz out of it but your stomach might explode.

Keep an eye out for…
- attack by lava lamp
- space swimming
- giant radium gumballs
- Hasselhoff hair
- giant robot nipples
- torpedoes stuffed with soldiers (wtih a side of salsa)
- redneck robots built like a GE oven.
- Christmas tree lights based galaxies
- Spaceships made of old model kit parts and household utensils

“Please Don’t Hassel the Hoff!”

rated 8.0 out of 10 for the movie

Check out this clip from Starcrash

“I’m thinking about having my shoulders lengthened. Any problems with narrow doorways?”

In the future when I regain consciousness from my cryo-freezing I’ll easily tell how long I’ve been asleep simply by the size of the shoulder pads people are wearing around me. Seems movies in the 1980’s denoted the future by making everything bigger…bigger hair, bigger cars, brighter neon lights, and huge shoulder pads. The movie Trancers supports my theory.

Jack Deth played by Tim Thomerson is a cop in the future who is tracking an evil crimelord known as Whistler in the remains of Los Angeles after the big quake. Whistler while not exactly sounding like an evil mastermind has the power to convert people into zombie creatures known as trancers much like the power of an Amway pep rally.

Whistler had transferred his consciousness back to the 1980’s rent-a-cop to kill the ancestor’s of the leaders of the future so he can return and gain control of the city. You can almost hear James Cameron’s lawyer’s warming up their typewriters. Jack is enlisted by the government to get sent back in time to track down Whistler and bring him back to stand trial before he kills all of the line-back inspired fashion leaders of the future.

Jack wakes up in one of his own distant relatives who happens to be dating Helen Hunt and amazingly he’s not turned into Paul Reiser. After defeating a trancified Santa Claus at local mall Helen’s character, Leena reluctantly join Jack on his quest to save future LA. I think if she had seen how lame the future gets, she might have changed her mind. Jack is packin’ heat, wearing raincoats in 90 degree weather, and is equipped with a watch that can freeze time for 10 seconds which also gives the director the added benefit of padding the film. He also can magically make his car stay in the very center of the road while he swings the steering wheel around like a drunk sailor navigating a storm (see video clip sample below.)

Unfortunately the targeted ancestors are getting picked off left and right while Jack is side tracked by Leena who takes him on scooter rides through geriatric apartments, or to punk rave parties, and near death tanning/surf parties. They also end up kidnapping homeless unemployed baseball players and forcing them to take showers. It must be a L.A. thing.

This movie inspired 5 sequels which is an amazing feat of direct-to-video magic even for Full Moon Entertainment whose motto is “we skip the theaters and pass the crap directly onto you.” I say check it and watch out for that crazy looking dude with bad skin sitting across from you. He could be a Trancer…or he just wants to sign you up with Amway. It’s hard to tell the difference.

Keep an eye out for…
- shoulder pads of THE FUTURE!
- middle aged punk ravers
- Santas gone wild
- flame broil settings for tanning booths
- scooter kung-fu
- gratuitous use of neon lights
- drunk underground baseball games
- loose steering convertibles

“the new Trance-o-matic, it dice, it slices, it can make it’s own direct to video sequels.”

rated 6.8 out of 10 for the movie

Check out this amazing clip from “Trancers”

“Dead Lobster, For the sea food killer in you”

I think the most prevalent signs of the apocalypse happened back in the 80’s. Reganomics, the band Wham!, and the sudden occurrence of a multitude of underwater monster movies including the Abyss, Leviathon and this seafood disaster called DeepStar Six.

Greg Evigan plays “no first name” McBride, a scraggly lumber jack navy pilot waiting to get out from deep sea duty to return topside for some well deserved McRest. Yes the same Greg Evigan from the horrifying tv show “My Two Dads.” I believe that show was canceled right after “Alf” thankfully.

McBride is a part of a group of underwater military rejects including a Amish looking porn peddler, a Russian scientist cranked up on Red Bulls, and resident scientist babe Nia Peebles who appears to have stumbled onto the wrong movie set by accident.

The story revolves around a poorly planned deep sea missile base the underwater team is supposed to setup on the sea floor but discover an ancient cavern instead. In the tradition of other film’s underwater caverns you always get a malevolent mutant sea creature thrown in for free. So get your bibs and shell hammers ready because there’s not enough butter to stop this lobster mutant.

The crazy crustacean attacks submarines, swims faster than a missile and infiltrates the DeepStar Six base via chomping on canned spam victims and a quick snack of Ms. fruity Peebles. The remaining survivors, which unfortunately includes Mr. Evigan, load up on their stock piles of shotguns and co2 tipped spears to take on Mr. Crabs now blocking their way to freedom.

A lot of the characters are cheaply killed off through a series of accidents mostly due to a weasely character named Snyder who trips into people with co2 canister tipped spears and accidentally detonates nearby nuclear bombs. Snyder freaks out and tries to get to the surface in an emergency escape pod before he should properly decompress….
pop goes the weasel.

The remaining survivors must battle the monster while figuring out a way to escape to the surface before the base has it’s own nuclear meltdown or they run out of air. Can the movie budget handle all of this?

This film wasn’t as great as I remember when I saw it in my local theater as a teenager. With very little plot and gallons of of water, it’s directed by the same guy that brought us Friday the 13th so I had hopes that a hockey masked scuba diver would arrive on a submarine and clean house. That would have made the movie more interesting and maybe now I wouldn’t have such a craving for buttery lobster. I say check it out and order a side of shrimp.

Keep an eye out for…
- underwater door crushing
- scuba diver chomping
- 2 accidental underwater nuclear explosions
- death by jiffy-pop de-compression
- emergency CPR (Crustacean Pulminary Resuscitation)
- pool party strobe lights
- lobster harpooning
- explosive c02 spear to the chest

“This movie defines deep sea doodie”

rated 6.7 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out this riveting clip from DeepStar Six. Snyder’s response at the end is priceless.

“By the order of Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada, I command you to pull my finger”

Alex Rogan (Lance Guest) is a depressing teenager living in a low scale trailer park. He has vague dreams of getting somewhere in life because he likes to stare wishingly at his planet mobil hanging in his bedroom and to stalk the mailbox for rejection letters from community colleges. Between unclogging toilets and ignoring his girlfriend Maggie Gordon (Catherine Mary Stewart) he spends an obscene amount of quarters on a nearby mammoth sized arcade game called “The Starfighter.” to dull his pain.

His apparent short term life goals are realized late one night when he beats the scoring record which brings out all residents of the trailer park like a soccer game final in Brazil. I don’t think the guy that cured polio got this much fanfare.

After the night long celebration of parades and fireworks, Alex is approached by the game’s flim-flam inventor, Centauri, played by Robert Preston who kidnaps him in a pimped out starcar whisking him off to another far away planet. It turns out the game was actually a test to find real star fighters much like the army games the government is churning out for recruiting. Because there’s nothing you want more than white nerdy guys who sits in front of computer screens all day operating firearms or in this case saving the galaxy.

Not too thrilled with the prospects of getting vaporized in a space battle, Alex heads back to Earth only to find a robot clone of himself has been getting busy with his girlfriend, creeping out his family, and is now target practice for lobster headed alien cops.

Alex decides me must finally faces the challenge to fight as the remaining starfighter in a desperate battle against the armada to save the galaxy (mainly because he doesn’t want to get blasted by alien hitmen on Earth). With the help of his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle headed co-pilot, Grig, they wage a one ship war against an entire squadron of bad computer generated graphics

.A neat little sci-fi movie from the 80’s that was every Atari playin’ Geeks dream. Give it a try but bring lots of quarters.

Keep an eye out for…
- giant holographic balding aliens
- bifocals made of real eyeballs
- squid faced distempered co-pilots
- Outback steakhouse’s Onion “Death Blossoms”
- 9 year old Hugh Hefners
- grannies listening to pop music
- translator collar clips constructed from old digital watch parts
- aliens with Ed Asner hair cuts
- flash mobs of videogame spectators

“This movie is what destroyed Atari”

rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for The Last Starfighter

“Alien technology that can teleport crap from the Pottery Barn freaks me out too.”

Back in high school I had a science project where a clock would run off a potato. At the time I thought that was pretty impressive. If only I knew then how to alter the fabric of the time space continuum through advanced spud technology. Maybe then I would have beaten that kid with the ketchup volcano. But is science really ready for the dark secrets the potato holds? I think not.

In the movie “my science project” the school’s best grease monkey Michael (John Stockwell) has a similar problem except his science project is a genuine working alien time machine. Not actually building it himself (cheater) he instead finds it in an abandoned military base with his new found geek girlfriend played by Danielle von Zerneck. She’s a geek because she wears giant glasses according to the guide to creating 80’s stereotypes for movies.Michael doesn’t get the extra credit he hopes for when the time machine suddenly absorbs their hippy science teacher played by Dennis Hopper via a failed battery jump. The time machine, now feeding off an electric outlet starts warping in artifacts from the past like an extreme episode of Antique Road Show and Michael has to stop it from destroying the fabric of time and space. All this before Magnum P.I. starts.

Apparently electricity is really slow so it gives Michael just enough time to race the bolt of electric current out of town in his supercharged GTO and rig up a series of elaborate explosives to a utility tower. Mike’s Buddy,Vince, who fits the role of Italian greaser nicely, helps him rob a store for the explosives and helps get them arrested. Soon they have to infiltrate the high school which is now over run with gladiators, dinosaurs, and other football player mascot wanna-be’s to help save his girlfriend from a fate of permanent home room detention.

The movie is pure 80’s cheese but an enjoyable trip back in time. Remember to pack your leg warmers and bring some extra hairspray when traveling time warps and look out for stoned hippie cowboys on the way out. Oh and bring a potato.

Keep an eye out for…
- Spencer Gift Shop $20 electro-globes
- ancient wookie attack
- T-Rex seeking rocket launchers
- storm trooper vandals
- Dennis Hopper Hysterics
- apocalyptic mutant attack
- muscle cars that can exceed the speed of light
- grease monkey and nerd co-op teams
- Good Fellas extras reject

Why does Dennis Hopper always play a crazed hippy?

rated 8.2 out of 10 for the movie Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out a scene from My Science Project

“I hope my car rental insurance covers this.”

Take note geeks on love patrol, if you want to get the ladies you simply need to wear a pink tu-tu and accidentally fall into a barrel of toxic waste thereby become hideously deformed. It will give you super hero strength, motivate you to fight evil, and change your voice to a someone who sounds like they should do Viagra commercial. This is what our leading man Melvin, the soon to be Toxic Avenger, demonstrates to his helpless viewing audience.

Melvin , a local mop boy nerd, works at the Tromaville Health club where all the brain vacuous jocks and bimbos like to hang and out collect new community diseases in the jacuzzi. A group of these dumb teens decide to play a prank on extreme-nerd Melvin which causes him to jump through a window landing in a passing by truck of toxic waste. And as all us comic book geeks know toxic waste gives you super powers.

Melvin turns into the Toxic Avenger…look out Batman and Superman…Toxic avenger has unregulated EPA laws on his side. Eesh at least Aquaman could control fish with his mind. Toxie is inexplicably drawn to fighting evil and starts his crusade to literally mop up the town (leaving behind a mop on each of his criminal victims…. and the fresh scent of pine.)

The victims range from cross dressing muggers to gun touting pro wrestling rejects which Toxie equally serves up like a fast food value pack. After beating a criminal with his own arm Toxie’s tender side is revealed when he finds love in a blind girl (dumb, blonde, and blind..a toxic mutant’s perfect soul mate). She decides to move in with toxie, they make passionate toxie love, she redecorates, throws away his cool stuff then forces him to go camping. Pretty typical relationship stuff.

Toxie is a busy guy though with his own revenge hit list as he systematically wipes out the kids who made fun of him at night while his day job is being a good samaritan mutant helping grandmas cross the street and opening jars for limp wristed town folk. I could see politics in the future for the Toxic Avenger with that sort of mass appeal. Overall a great introduction the movies of Troma Entertainment where if it ain’t weird and degrading then it ain’t on film. So check it out now and decontaminate your DVD player later.

Troma Films…..aren’t those the same guys making a movie about a zombie chicken?

Keep an eye out for…
- man beaten with his own arm
- deep fried finger food
- biker road kill
- toxic redneck haulers
- pink poka-dotted tu-tu’s
- charcoal roasting
- toxic home decoration tips
- sundae ala mode bad guys
- defective gym equipment
- blind girls with extreme guide cane collections
- midget dry cleaning
- braille mirrors
- bikini camping

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for The Toxic Avenger

“Dude, you’re like a giant Q-tip!”

Before Johnny Depp stole the show with his drunken Keith Richards impersonation, there was the original great Pirate movie of the 80’s called Ice Pirates. In a galaxy gone dry where water has become the only thing of value, we can always count on watered down actors like Robert “made for tv acting” Urich to save the day. Mr. Urich plays Jason, the swash buckeling leader of the ice pirates that also include Ron Perlman and Angelica Houston (both of which must have accidentally wandered onto the wrong movie set.) Ice pirates are not a Canadian hockey team, nor is it a musical on ice, but is a gang of rebels who steal frozen water from the government to sell to the locals. They’re not really all that intimidating as pirates looking more like rejects from the local renaissance festival equipped with laser pistols and swords. They mostly rely on the swords for their pure swash buckeling-ness.

The crew attacks a local ice carrying government ship and yes the ship even looks like a giant ice cube tray. I swear my 7 year old kid could do these special effects better himself. While stealing the ice blocks they accidentally encounter a frozen princess named Karina who Jason immediately falls in love with. He attempts to steal her from the ship like she’s the last Swasons TV dinner left in the fridge but is captured by the ruthless overlord Zorn. We know Zorn is very evil and very stupid because he says things like “Killing you would be too easy. I have something better in mind for you!” ugh..typical dumb bad guy move.

So he delays their execution by sending them to the planet Mirtha to be castrated and lobotomized and used as slaves. Instead of the traditional years of marriage that would normally take to incur such a punishment for a man, they’re put on a assembly line given a shave and almost have their twigs and berries chomped off by an vicious looking crotch claw (Yikes!). Luckily the princess decides to help them escape before that can happen and uses them to find her father who supposedly knows the secret location of a lost water planet. Hmmm…what planet could that be? give you a clue It rhymes with girth.

Jason and his Crew arrive at yet another pit-stop planet, this one covered in fog to hide the fact the movie was probably running out of budget and is inhabited by Amazonian woman who ride magical white unicorns. I think had that dream once……anyways, princess Karina doesn’t find her father but does find an annoying body-less head that looks like the guy from tv hollywood squares who whines a lot. He reluctantly helps them find the time warp after a nose tickling Guantanamo-style torture. As Jason and the crew travel through the time warp they start to age rapidly. Old people turn to skeleteons, young couples get busy and have babies, guys grow big afros and long beards, it’s like Woodstock all over again man. Will they survive and find Girth? Will they have unlimited supplies of snow cones? Will they be able to clear up a vicious case of space herpies? Check it out for yourself. You’ll be glad you did.

Keep an eye out for…

- robot kung-fu
- unicorn riding amazon woman
- extreme afros
- jive speaking robot pimps
- crotch claws
- gopher shootin’
- frog-women who drink too much
- freshness sealed princesses
- space herpies
- robot family drive-bys

I always wondered how many people can you fit on a motorcycle…this movie dares to answer such an age old question.

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie.

learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Ice Pirates