“Yeah I smoked…. but I didn’t inhale.“

My daughter has recently been asking for a pet hamster. Some people find hamster cute and cuddly. I think they’re furry rodents of evil with beady soul piercing eyes always watching… waiting for their moment to overthrow us. Sure they run endlessly on that wheel like they’re exercising but that’s merely a distraction from their more devious plans of global domination. Just like rats, mice, and ferrets, they were spawned from satan’s little biological test lab (now a research division at Microsoft) and they must be stopped before they take over the planet and convert our Chucky Cheeses into human habitrails. When I saw the movie “Critters” I knew the true origins of these vermin masquerading as pets. Let this movie be a warning to us all. The Critters already live among us.

in Deep space, The “Krites” have escape a prison asteroid and somehow fled their heavily fortified prison cell, hijacked a ship , and plotted a course to the nearest planet. All this with their useless tiny twig arms. When their escape is discovered, glowing silly putty alien bounty hunters are dispatched to go after them by the prison’s warden, a squishy looking alien who looks like he needs a few more reps on the Nordic Track. The bounty hunters watch MTV and late night cable while cruising at a brisk 55mph across the galaxy giving them time to decide who they want to model their faces after. Fake 80’s rock singers always win that contest. What alien wouldn’t want their hair to feather and layer like that? The Krites look for the nearest late night snack planet to escape the bounty hunters which just happens to be Earth (always open 24/7 and plenty of value menu items) and decide to set their ship down near a small farm in Kansas. What is it about rednecks that attract Aliens anyways, it’s like tornadoes to a trailer park. The farm belongs to an super-white family named the Browns who are living the typical farming life. Bailing hay, raising chickens, eating their body weight in corn on the cob, or blowing stuff up with illegal explosives. Young Brad Brown (Scott Grimes) is our red-headed hero who while one night being punished for a crime he didn’t commit witnesses the landing of the Krites ship behind their farm in the forest. Drawn to crashed spaceships like every other country yahoo in every sci-fi movie ever made, he and his dad have to go “check it out” but end up getting scared off by mutilated dead cattle.

When the critters are revealed they look like deranged muppets with slick back hair-do’s and bad dental work. These critters are quick though and can cover some good distance as they role around like turbo charged tumble weeds chomping on every nearby cow they encounter. Eventually they find the Brown’s farmhouse who might as well hang a sign on their door that says Open Buffet. Even Billy Zane and his clip-on pony tail can’t stop these little eating machines. Unfortunately the Critters don’t find Billy Zane very filling and don’t even finish him off…. probably since he’s mostly full of crap. Did I mention I can’t stand that guy? Ever since his low point of playing “The Phantom” in that crappy movie of the same title he continued to strive for even lower depths of acting and super ego-itis. Fortunately Billy’s screen time is short when the critters make a snack pack out of his stomach and then proceed to go after Brad’s older sister. He rescues her by feeding one the critters one of his many homemade explosive. Is this kid on the government terrorist watch list? Well he should be.

The family narrowly escaping takes refuge in their living room (the safest of all rooms in an emergency) and fortify their last stand with mattresses and wicker furniture. An obvious advantage against intelligent razor teethed flesh eating aliens who can shoot poisonous needles.

Meanwhile in what almost feels like an entirely different film by now, the two bounty hunters aliens have commandeered a patrol car and are off partying around town. They stop in at the church…blow some stuff up, stop in at a bowling alley, blow some more stuff up. I think Brad and these guys will have a lot in common. One of the bounty hunters keeps annoyingly shape-shifting his face into everyone he runs into like a bad case of multiple personalities. I think some actors just wanted some more screen time.

The family continues to battle the critters with a shot gun and some broom handles (be sure to give the sibling you like least the old broom handle) so things are looking grim and young Brad decides to make a break for it to find help…or did he just ditch his family? He luckily crosses paths with the alien bounty hunters driving down the road so they all hightail it back to the house and proceed to open a can of whoop-ass on the surprised mutant muppets with some hi-tech alien boom sticks. In the process take out most of the house but Orkin would be proud.

This is one of the definitive sci-fi horror movies from the 80’s and if you haven’t seen it for a while give it another go around. If only too see Billy Zane get what’s coming to him. *shakes fist in air* “Zaaaannneeee….Zaaaaaneee!!!” doing my best impression of captain Kirk from Star Trek 2: Wrath of Kahn.

Keep an eye out for…

- critter toilet plungers
- critter-fu
- Billy Zanified pony tails
- extreme explod-o-bowl
- corn on the cobbing
- mr. potato heads aliens
- mutant projectile porcupines
- pyrotechnic church sermons
- instant extreme home makeovers
- critter vision
- ferrah faucet alien hair

Look for Critter action figures. Now with projectile poisonous darts and amazing kung-fu grip. Pull their string and they’ll say a new curse word. Billy Zane with removable stomach not included.

rated 8.6 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Critters

“Wake-up calls at the Holiday Inn are getting a bit out of control.”

Welcome to the apocalypse! Yes in the way too distant future of 1990. I’ts Bush economics, grunge rock, and the rise of Oprah so it must be the end of civilization. This film was actually made in 1982 but the director pulled a Nostradamus on us predicting the end of the world was only 8 short years from then. I had just started stocking up on canned goods when Roseanne Bar sang the national anthem that year so I was already ahead of the curve. In this “future” the Bronx have become so crime ridden and corrupt that the mayor of New York just seals it off and let’s anarchy reign, sort of like Jersey except with Hell’s Angels and knife fights. Stefania Girolami, plays Ann, a ditzy blonde on the run from the safe city streets, who heads over to the Bronx via an un-guarded bridge. Border security’s still a problem in “THE FUTURE!”

Her greeting party is a gang of hockey rejects donning roller skates and shoulder pads. Instead of laughing uncontrollably she actually tries to escape them, most likely in fear of catching a case of their hockey hair. Yah it’s a Canadian disease that manifests itself in the form of mullets and a thirst for maple syrup ya hoser. The hockey league is broken up though when a gang called the “riders” who supposedly run the city show up just in time on their crappy Japanese motorcycles complete with skull night-lights and scare away the canucks. “Trash” is their fearless dim-witted leader, a muscle with feet played by Mark Gregory. His painful attempts at acting are like watching someone pass a gal stone, tedious and uncomfortable. We also get amazing quotes from Trash like “We are born dead” or “you bastards!” That pretty much sums up 90% of his dialog along with random empty stares into space or constant looks of being perplexed. You’ll also notice how he can’t walk and talk at the same time which probably due his permanent ultra-wedgie fitting jeans. The leaders of the Manhattan Corporation back in the city wants to get Ann back as she’s the heiress to the company fortune so they attempt to send in a over-the-hill undercover cop disguised as a postal worker who refers to himself as “the Hammer.” His mission is to infiltrate the gang, get her out , and destroy as many innocent bystanders as possible. Where’s Kurt Russel when you need him?

Along with that problem the Riders also have to deal with a rival gang called the the Tigers (yet another dull gang name) who are also trying to take over the Bronx. They’re a fashion challenged group in their 70’s influenced pimp suits driving around in their 1930’s street rods. It’s always the “bro’s before ho’s.” It seems that the Tigers killed one of the Riders by impaling him on a riverside dock in a late night scuffle because he was carrying a “gizmo.” What does the gizmo do? I don’t know or really care but there is a cool drum solo and a long stand-off by the river where everyone tries to out-stare each other, a skill Trash has excelled at. Nothing is worth fighting gangs of hockey players, off broadway rejects, and a strange gang of gay tap dancers.

It’s like West side story all over again when “Trash” and his cohorts “Hot Dog”, “Trash”, “Ice”, and other household-object named gangsters start to pick fights. Trash enlists the help of the king of the Bronx, the great Ogre but when Trash says it in his bad New York accent it sorta sound like “Yogurt.”

“I need to find Yogurt!” “Yogurt can help us!” yes it can with fewer calories and a fruit rich taste.

Yogurt, I mean Ogre, is obviously the king of all the pimps with  his zebra animal hides draped over roman columns adorning his luxurious outdoor Coleman tents. A headquarters where his followers hang out and figure out their next big raid or discuss decoration tips on fengshui. He is accompanied by “Witch” (Betty Dessy) a dominatrix who uses her handy whip to grab bad guys by the neck or stabs them with some stainless steel finger knives (they should have known the safety word.)

A big battle royal occurs between the gangs and the city police who infiltrate their hideout from a tips provided to them by a double-agent. The cops arrive on horseback using the most logical weapon of choice, a flame flower and proceed to light up gangsters like camping smores. The attack is lead by the Hammer (I said you can’t touch this!) and they all start torching every pimp and Hell’s Angel in sight. The hilarity at the fight choreography is something to see, sort of like a bad high school play version of a kung-fu film. There’s some double crossing and foot stabbing but none of it really matters to this cheese wax thin plotline. What really makes this move fun is the great English dubbed Italian dialog.

“Where you come from?” “I came her purposely”

“This whole operations is hush hush”

“You’ve been using your whip again?” “Yeah just like you taught me.”

“Your playing with fire” “I know and I love it…I love it!”

Wow! Shakespeare would be proud. So give it a try, it’s definitely worth a rental but always remember to throw the burial ashes down-wind.

Keep an eye out for…

- pimp-ka-bob’s
- burial ash tossing
- Hammer harpooning
- glowing skull night lights
- hockey gymborees
- tap dancing gangs
- postal workers going postal
- drummer auditions next to impaled dead guys
- Lee press-on knives
- Amazing Ginsu work-boots
- Zebra skin outdoor decoration
- extreme chest vests
- flame throwing equestrians

You know your mama loves you when she names you “Trash”

rated 7.5 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the opening credit sequence for 1990: The Bronx Warriors

“When being stalked by a psychopath, it’s always good etiquette to neatly organize your stabbing knives.
Remember chest stabbers always go to the left of the salad fork.”

If you’re as old as me… and I know I am then you may have seen a creepy little TV show back the 1980’s called “Bossom Buddies.” It’s where two guys disguise themselves as women to live in the one apartment they can afford. That is until one stormy night when Tom Hanks while listening to the voice of his dead mother stabs Janet Leigh in the hotel shower and…. oh wait that was another cross dresser. Anyways little did people realize that the curly haired nice guy actor would later on become a super mega Oscar winner and the voice to a computer animated cowboy. I have better memories of his earlier rolls in great 80’s hits like The Money Pit, Splash, Dragnet, and who can forget him in the required movie for every early-pubescent boy’s VCR, “Bachelor Party.” Now that was Academy worthy material.

What truly started him on path to stardom was his first acting role in a slasher film called “He Knows You’re Alone” or as I refer to it “He Knows he’s David Copperfield” because the killer, Ray Carlton, has an amazing skill of appearing and disappearing whenever he wants and even is accompanied by his own Halloween inspired theme music. Amy is our virginal hero and she’s is on a mission to get married to Phil, a dull man who wears a suit. Amy appears doped up on goof pills most of the time and is not totally convinced that Phil is her one true love. Soon she’s secretly stalked by not only a killer who hates the Billy Idol song “white wedding” but her ex-boyfriend Marvin the marvelous Mortician who wants to marry her instead of Phil. Anyone remember the guy who played Marvin? Yup that’s Don Scardino the pasty white boy from the killer worm movie “Squirm” as seen on Mystery Science Theater 3000 (watch online here). What Marvin lacks in looks and charm he makes up for in hair thickness. His appeal to Amy is anyone’s guess. Perhaps it’s his alien-like feathered hair that seems to defy the laws of physics or his pressed stain resistant shirts that protect his translucent white skin from the harmful rays of the sun.

In any case the killer has a chip on his shoulder since he too was previously dumped but instead of annoying his ex-girlfriend like Marvin does, he stabbed her on her wedding day (he should have just bought them a toaster for a wedding gift like everyone else.) So now he’s out to murder every other soon-to-be-bride he can find. The groom at the time of the wedding murder was a rookie cop and is now on a manhunt to find Ray and bring him to justice just as soon as he’s done drinking and having emotional outbursts. The killer magic elf ninja quickly appears and takes out all Amy’s dimwitted friends and even her cigar smoking tailor. But don’t tailor’s deserve a beating anyways…I mean with all their adjusting, measuring, and hem pinning (see now I’ll get hate email from tailors.)
Thrown into the mix is the short cameo by Tom Hanks as a jogger and rookie philosopher who mainly showcases his 80’s hair-fro and fluffy big coat for some brief on screen time. Can you already sense his Oscar worthiness? There’s also the teacher from The Breakfast Club who plays another moody cop only minus Molly Ringwald and Emileo Estevez so he’s even more boring than usual. Man that guy just needs to not talk and he might land some better roles.

One thing that struck me odd was Amy’s friends behavior. I’m not sure if they were drunk or on some sort of medication because they acted strangely obnoxious throughout the film and always inappropriate to the situation. Hard to feel much sympathy for them as they practically dive onto the knives of the killer. Amy finally discovers her friend has been feeding the fish with her entire skull and is chased by Killer-Ray into the morgue where it just happens that Marvin works the night shift. The cop who has been 5 steps behind them through the whole film also finally catches up and confronts the killer. This is all leading up to a sort of weird interpretive open ending (hey anybody remember to actually arrest the murderer in the basement? anyone? think someone should go check that out? anyone?? no? okay then…let’s move on.)

While not really a good slasher film, the characters are entertaining in their strange pod-people like behavior and there’s a few good gotch-ya moments with a car chase. I’d say check it out if you’ve got nothing better already sitting in the old VCR… hey what year is it anyways?

So grab some popcorn and don’t forget to feed the fish.

Keep an eye out for…

- thinly padded theater seating
- head shaped aquarium figurines
- teachers from the breakfast club
- Tom Hanks jogger tripping
- death by stereo
- student morticians with 2×4’s
- bi-polar cops
- extreme hair feathering
- car-roof carpooling
- Halloween soundtrack ripoffs

Tom Hanks anxiously awaits reprising his oscar worthy role in Turner and Hooch 2: Electric Booga-drool.

rated 7.1 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for He Knows You’re Alone

“The original Big Bird was actually a struggling pimp living on Sesame Street in Harlem“

Pam Grier plays Flower Child Coffin “Coffy”, a hospital nurse with a hippie name and a vengeful spirit which doesn’t really lend herself to a profession in bedside care. Her little sister got hooked on heroin and is a kids detox so she goes on a mission to find the dealers and anyone remotely related to the drug bosses that got her sister hooked. Blowing holes through drug dealers heads, junkies, shooting Italians in swimming pools, and stabbing goattee bodyguards in the neck. It’s all in nights work for a nurse. I think Coffy needs to ease up on the caffeine before she takes out a bus of nuns with a bazooka.

Meanwhile a cop friend of hers named Carter Brown decides not to go the corrupt route like the rest of the police force who has made a deal with mafia and drugs dealers. This results in him getting beaten like a piece of ground beef in his apartment by some masked henchman while Coffy is over visiting. Didn’t he watch Godfather? The mob doesn’t kindly to non-team players.

Coffy also has her own sugar daddy, Howard “the shrapnel tummy” Brunswick, a congressmen on the take along with the police force (eesh do they all get some sort of mobster group discount?) He’s been working back street deals to get a big cut of the drug profits and gain more control of the city. Coffy who is still on the trail of the drug dealers dresses up as a prostitute from Jamaica to try to get employed by a local big league Pimp who calls himself King George. His dressing attire makes no doubt of his occupation as any low flying planes in a dense fog could spot his bright yellow jump leisure suit for a safe landing. It’s sort of a super pimp outfit. Coffy easily passes the job interview using her “assets” and “references” and later that night switches out George’s heroin supply with some powdered sugar (in case George needs to make some laffy taffy.) Upon returning to a mobster dinner party where all the big league dealers are schmoozing she starts a cat fight with some of the other hookers. It’s all broken bottles, torn dresses, tossed salads, and stained cocktail gowns. She does some sweet kung-fu moves and ultimate fighting pile drivers on her hooker co-workers and even hides a straight razor in her afro causing some nasty paper cuts. An Italian Mobster named Petroni enjoys the super hooker smack down and wants Coffy to come over later to play hide the salami at his apartment. Coffy attempts to take him out via a stuffed animal with a .44 magnum in it but is caught by Petroni’s goons just before she can pop him right between the pepperonis.

When interrogated via some vicious indian burns she rats out that King George actually sent her as a hooker hit girl (everyone always blames the pimp). This results in King George getting forced into some imprompto speed boat rafting. Well excepts there’s no boat or raft, and he’s tied behind a car by his neck. Not a very popular outdoor sporting activity. There’s more double crossing, double barrel shoguns, and double D’s than you can count in this film.

After seeing Pam Grier in the film Jackie Brown, I knew she was one bad ass foxy mama (look out I’m breaking out my jive talk) So I was looking forward to seeing what is hailed as one of her best films. I definitely agree it’s a great grindhouse film filled with plenty of sex, violence and leisure suits. And doesn’t that pretty much sum up the 70’s? So definitely check it out. I ain’t talkin’ no jive turkey so can you dig my rap? My mama didn’t raise no fool….ugh.. sorry I can’t help myself.

Keep an eye out for…

- banana suit pimps
- sugar daddy politicians
- stuffed lions packing heat
- razor blade hair clips
- mobster bodyguards dressed as gay pirates
- extreme pimp dragging
- roadside neck stabbing
- bad Jamaican accents
- diner party cat fights
- hooker shotguns
- salad bowl body slams
- sugar shoot-ups
- lounge dinner strippers

Coffy is in no way endorsed by Juan Valdez or any of the coffee union members

rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Coffy

“I just don’t know if I have enough pockets to stop them all, but I’ll try!”

Oh Italian zombie film makers how I loath thee. Zombie 4 “Oletre la morte” which I believe is Italian for “warning this movie may cause you to poke your eyeballs out” or “I put too much garlic in this meat sauce” is your typical Italian horror zombie film. Loads of gore and absolutely no resemblance of a plot broken up by moments of poorly dubbed dialog. It’s a sort of Madlibs of movie making. “(name) please don’t touch the zombie. It will turn your (body part) (favorite color)”

From what I could tell a group of scientists that believe there’s a cure for death setup camp on a Caribbean island (where all the anti-death people go for vacation.) A local witch doctor’s daughter dies from some unnamed cancer and so he opens the door to hell for vengeance on the scientists. Usually Hell is only open weekends and fridays. Then his wife who has a strong resemblance to an early 80’s Whitney Houston has some sort of epileptic dancing seizure and turns a major PMSing she-demon with bad dental work. She wipes out the whole island, a lot of whom are packin’ heat but have slower reflexes than a senior citizens at a dodge ball game. Most of them getting easily wiped out except for a little blonde girl, Jenny, who somehow escapes just as her parents get munched on. Those toddler survival classes really did pay off. Then we leap forward 20 years and she’s all grown up and heading back to the same island on a speed boat with her own A-team wanna-be mercenaries! uh…why? who knows.

Cut yet to another scene (head spinning yet?) and a whole other group of scientist lead by some corporate adventurer extremist are cave exploring and stumble upon a book of the dead. Like most typical guys reading appliance instructions he reads them out loud and doesn’t really pay attention to what it says unwittingly unleashing the walking dead. Just a warning out to all us guys If you find a book of the dead on an abandoned island in a evil cave…don’t read it out loud or your stomach might end up as a snack pack.

The mercenary group holds up in a poorly constructed hospital as zombified islanders start to surround them. You know as soon as you see a zombie it might be a good idea to just get back on the boat and go home, but this brain trust decides the ramshackled hospital with it’s open windows and doors would make a much more fortified last stand. At least the hospital had the standard issue emergency kit and crates of machine guns and hand grenades. Now that’s a way to unionize a nursing staff.

Well I thought I had seen the worse of the worse and this definitely ranks up towards the top. The dialog reminded me a bit of “Demons” …another Italian horror film I reviewed a while back. The difference is that was a fun campy horror film and this is more along the lines of waterboard interrogation. So watch with caution and only tell them your rank and serial number.

Keep an eye out for…

- a lady with her eye out
- G.I. Joe zombies
- gratuitous use of candles
- face gouging
- shoulder chomping
- stomach ripping
- demon dental work
- zombie islander skeet shooting
- beam balancing
- ill-timed romantic moments
- leisure boating

The Mario Brothers movie was scarier than this, and by far more Italian.

rated 3.1 out of 10 for the movie

Check out this well acted scene from Zombie 4

“You know what this room needs? An evil clown statue. Oh wait…“

The town carnival was always a place of fascination for me. A sort of mobile caravan of weirdness. The row of games where you can loose your teenage life’s savings while trying to win a $3 stuffed Tweety bird for your girlfriend. The buckets of assorted fried meats you can gorge yourself on before they have to jump start your heart, and then there’s the unsavory combination of smells around every turn. When you put an assortment of porta-potties, open garbage cans and a few hundred tons of corn dogs a few feet from each other you’re bound to create some sort of toxic sludge. That might explains how they keep those creepy carny workers alive, a netherworld chemical of food by-products thereby reanimating their lifeless corpses for another day of work much like office coffee. I’d also question some of the rides safety testings. Ever notice the small single rusty bolt that holds your creeky cart precariously to the metal octopus arm?…at any moment snapping and sending you into the parking lot like a homemade turkey catapult? Well now you will…and you’re welcome. Fortunately most people make it out alive in the face of these carnival dangers.

In the horror film “the funhouse” some carnival patrons aren’t so lucky. Amy our lead virginal hero is going out with her friends to check out the arrival of the carnival. We know she’ll survive because she’s a virgin and as we all know they can create forcefields around them from evil (or drunk frat guys whichever they encounter first.) After a Halloween inspired shower-scene attack by her perverted little brother she decides sideshow freaks would be a welcome change of pace. They check out the mutant cattle show, get mild whiplash on the bumper cars and visit a fortune teller who freelances as a hooker. Will the fun ever stop? They even stop at a girlie strip show tent hoping to get a sneak peek. I don’t recall seeing that particular attraction at my local town fair when I was a teenager. The closest to that was the 4H melon contest next to the farm animal petting cage. It sure would have increased tickets sales though.

Amy seems to be mysteriously drawn to a creepy funhouse at the outskirts of the carnival and her friends decide it would be a great idea to actually stay the night inside. The funhouse is a massive structure with a winding track of riding carts that tour through a variety of creepy displays and animatronic weirdness within it. There’s also a creepy robotic fat lady who sits on top of the building laughing mockingly at any bulimic teen that walks by.

Once inside, the teenagers ditch the carts and frolic in some poorly made evil forests that seemed to be constructed by the same people that build cheap floats for town parades. Things go from bad to worse when they inadvertently witness the killing of the fortune teller hooker (fortune-hooker!) who just gave a quickie to some guy dressed as Frankenstein. Frank didn’t feel he got his money worth so he kills her instead. Business transactions never go well between mutant beasts and gypsy hookers, but she really should have predicted that.

The kids are soon discovered and Frank who actually turns out to be some sort of real life freak mutant is stalking them along with his equally crazy dad. With only 4 teenagers total, the body count isn’t going to get too high but mutant Frank is all about quality kills not quantity. There’s surprise lynchings, axes to the head, impalements, trapdoors, air duct maulings, and some torso/gear grinding action. All this making up for a great popcorn b-movie but I’d have to say that the main star of this movie really has to be the funhouse itself. It’s creepy, icky and filled with the stuff of nightmares and yet consistently out-acts the actual cast members. I say give this one a spin in your DVD player and save an elephant ear for me.

Keep an eye out for…

- little brother perverts
- carnival bag ladies
- gypsy hookers
- carney choking
- mutant cattle shows gawking
- rope a nerd lynchings
- accidental sword impalements
- freak carney grinders

funhouses, carnies, and a live performance of the Oak ridge boys? Stop the horror!

rated 9.1 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for the Funhouse

“A battle with a clogged ketchup bottle ends tragically.“

I finally got a chance to test out the new movie rental feature in Apple’s iTunes with a not so quick download of the 1970’s vampire flick Count Yorga, Vampire. So right off the bat you immediately know whose the vampire, though I half expected Yorga to be a small green midget from the Dagobah planet. The Bulgarian Count Yorga played by Roger Perry is hanging out with some yuppies at a séance party to contact the dead mother of a frazzle nerved gal named Donna played by Donna Anders. Most of the guests had a bit too much peppermint schnapps and end up cracking jokes or in Donna’s case blood curdling screams. So the count hypnotizes her to calm her down and happens to slip in a subliminal command of doing whatever he says. An American vampire would be like “bring me a beer….turn on the football game”

A couple there, Paul and Erica, decide the party has really lost it’s steam (nothing brings down a party like a failed séance) and decide it’s time leave. Erica seems to think old Bulgarian guys are attractive and offers Yorga a lift home. Paul wants to puts the kibosh on that idea but Erica seems to wear the pants in that relationship and insists on it. So they take the count back to his creepy mansion completed with a demon hellhound and Torgo-like groundskeeper. After leaving they get stranded in some sort of flash thunderstorm trapping their Scooby Doo mystery van in a puddle of mud. Paul uses this seemingly desperate moment of survival for his own shagging needs with his girlfriend. After a night of van rocking and candle burning, Erica and Paul fall asleep. Their love making seemed to peek the interest of the noisiest cricket and frogs in the swamp just as the creepy Yorga attacks. He knocks out Paul who is on a pee break and attacks Erica for a quick midnight snack. A little known medical fact that when a guy is hit on the head while peeing it causes temporary amnesia hence why Paul can’t remember a thing of the attack the very next day.

Erica starts going all grey skinned and continues to lose blood as well as personality until she’s rushed to the doctor. Dr. Hayes prognosis is to get lots of rest and eat lots of steak as raw as possible. Yes it’s the 70’s…so eat steak, smoke and drive with no seat belts. Erica skips the steak and goes right for the pet cat instead just and Dr Hayes and Paul arrive home. Dr. Hayes as a man of science and reason makes the immediate leap she was bitten by a vampire. Can’t say I’d want a doctor who makes snap paranormal diagnostics. “That head cold you have…yeah that’s a demon trying to escape from your skull…we’re going to have to drill!”

Erica is kidnapped by Yorga to join his harem and get all the club benefits like sleeping in the basement on cold stone slabs and eating sewer rats. You can see why the ladies love the Yorga. So Paul and Dr. Hayes make a hap-hazzard plan to invade the castle at mid-day. They hit the snooze button a few too many times from their nap though and end up getting a late start to battle the undead. With no real combat skills and poorly constructed weapons of broom stakes, broken furniture and duct taped crucifixes things probably won’t go well for these Van Helsing wanna-be’s. But you’ll have to check it out yourself. A good b-movie that reminds me of vintage hammer horror films., a sort of modern take on vintage dracula. I say rent it but wear a turtle neck.

Keep an eye out for…

- vampire McLovin’
- séance shenanigans
- kitty snacks
- if the van’s a rockin’…yorga’s a knockin’
- vampires on a stick
- smoking jackets of the undead
- handyman backbreakers
- Bulgarian Bordellos

Vampires truly suck.

rated 7.5 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Count Yorga, Vampire

“Bring it On!“

With the onset of a cold winter we’ve had a few indoor events at the local sporting arena. Usually there’s such exciting events as insurance agency seminars, the occasional gun and knife show and the ever popular women’s expo, an exploration in the dark art of potpourri and decoupage. Recently I was fortunate enough to check out the BIG RV and camper show there. It’s an extravaganza of gas guzzling houses on wheels. You could move a Chinese family of 8 into one of those giant display campers and have them live there quite comfortably. Heck those RV’s have everything I could ever need. When tours would come through I’d just be like “Hey I’m trying to take a shower here! Can I have some privacy please?” Only in America would we be lazy enough to want to drive a whole house across the country. “You know I don’t really want to leave my couch…if only there was a way I could take my living room, kitchen, and bathroom with me. Then I could go see the largest ball of twine!” and so RV’s were born.

In “Race with the Devil” the central star is also a giant gas guzzling camper. It’s a bit older and the interior is encased with shag carpet and wood grain paneling, enough to make your eyes water, but it can still hold it’s own against the onslaught of hippie devil worshipers. A “race” with belezabub is not really a race as much as it is a competitively fast paced walk with occasional rest stops for snacks & ammo and the refreshing dip in the public pool. The racing RV belongs to Frank Stewart, a greasy little elf who is partners with a motocross star wanna-be, Roger Marsh, played by the always groovified Peter Fonda. They plan to take a vacation to Colorado for some rest and relaxation with their fragile nerved girlfriends and practice up on some their combined drinking and motorcrossing skills. During a night of drunken debauchery and fondue they inadvertently notice some hippie tree huggers (in this case tree burners) having a party in a nearby field. What at first appears to just be a bad local outdoor theater production turns into a human sacrifice ceremony. You usually have to pay extra for that.

Figuring these are no renaissance festival actor rejects, Roger and company pack up the Fonda fondue and high tail it outta there just as the satanic fanboys attack their RV. Narrowly escaping that devil’s tailgate party with only a few broken windows and taillights, they go to the police to report the incident. The cops and sheriff having all the competence of the police force from the Dukes of Hazzard pretty much shrug of the incident as a kids prank but the vacationers decide to take their suspicions to the nearest big city instead. Of course mentioning your secret plans out loud is never a good idea and satanists are notorious for having a keen sense of hearing.

What started out as a nice vacation ends up being a desperate cat and mouse game across the state highways. Campsites turn out to be satanic playgrounds with creepy old people in bath robes who lynch dogs and put rattle snakes in your camper. Evil construction workers cause traffic jams and create detours of doom, and roadhouse bars are revealed to be pagan hangouts where Satan spins his evil tunes through the wailing noise of country music. Oh wait, I guess they pretty much already do that.

It all leads to a great road rage chase scene complete with Peter Fonda riding shotgun (literally) and throwing taquilla bombs at their truck driving pursuers. Fortunately redneck satanists are also bad drivers and the vacationers stocked up lots of booze for their trip. Who said there aren’t benefits to alcoholism?

Definitely a fun little action/horror b-movie for fans of Peter Fonda and even more so for fans of RV’s. So I say check it out and always remember to check your tire pressure, adjust your mirrors, and check all your camper’s cupboards for any stowaway rattlesnakes before your trip. There are old people everywhere and they’re watching you.

Keep an eye out for…

- Devil worshipping BBQ’s
- Extreme off roading RV’s
- Redneck roadhouse of the Damned
- Construction workers of the Damned
- Country music of the Damned
- Snake wranglin’
- Dog lynchings
- Pagan pool parties
- Cult book kleptomania

Do you think Peter Fonda drives a Honda? Then he can just say things like “Hey everyone, wanna drive the Fonda Honda?”

rated 8.3 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Race with the Devil

“Hey baby Did I mention my other car is a Federation Starship?“

William “Tighten my Girdle” Shatner plays Dr. Robert Hansen, probably the last cowboy/veterinarian left in the state of Texas that makes house calls and can still hold his liquor. A local farmer’s prized cows are ending up dead but not by the hand of the local diner’s butcher, so Robert and a convertible driving blond entomologist decide to investigate. They soon suspect the bovine murders maybe due to an evil large insect that drains the blood of it’s victims and burrows itself underground….and no it’s not Dick Cheney. Robert decides to put the moves on the entomologist with his own brand of Shatner shag and for some reason she falls for his cheesy come-on lines all this leading to a lame side story of a love triangle. But what we really want is more spider carnage!

Their suspicions of a mutant spider invasion are confirmed when they find a big nest of tarantulas partying near the farmhouse. Nothing brings down realestate values like swarms of killer spiders and over-acting starship captains for neighbors. So they have themselves a little spider BBQ beach party and toast spider hill. If William Shatner would have just sang some of his old tunes from one of his albums he may have inflicted some substantial spider casualties. The bomb-fire only ticks off the mutant spider army and like an Orkin man’s worse nightmare the spiders decided to overtake the town. There’s town riots, cacooned rednecks, plane crashes, and old men complaining about the weather along with some spider smashing that’s sure to make PETA fanboys cry. Not being a fan of spiders myself I enjoyed whenever any of those critters got mangled, burned, or smashed. It also makes an excellent drinking game. For every spider smashed you take a shot.

Robert or “Rack” as his non-arachnid friends like to call him, trucks over to his sister-in-law’s house to try to rescue her and her daughter but he arrives a bit too late. Apparently the spiders performed a mid field tackle on the sister-in-law when she was running back to the house. Luckily the young girl has superior survival skills and climbed on a table. I never could figure how some slow moving spiders can take down any running human unless they have a 5ft vertical leap. Interesting little fact is the director paid $10 per spider for use on this film, so I’m sure mother’s across the country were more than happy to lend their kid’s pet tarantula for a brief moment of fame. The potential for it to die a horrible death at the heels of captain James T. Kirk is truly an honor.

“Rack Attack” wrangles up some of the survivors and tries to hold up in a cabin resort barricading the doors and windows. Spiders are notorious for breaking down doors. They put the little girl in a cool dark secluded room for a nap (because that’s always a safe place during an spider invasion) but soon discover the spiders are crashing their party via the chimney and air ducts. Didn’t anybody have duct tape in the 1970’s?

This was one of the better spider invasion movies I’ve seen in recent years (not that there’s been that many) and a superior film to the most recent Spielbergerized “Arachnophobia.” You also gotta love the downbeat ending…even if you can see the brush strokes. So I say put down your tricorder and check out Kingdom of the Spiders.

Keep an eye out for…

- sister-in-law wrangling
- extreme cow tipping
- kamikaze crop dusting
- dirt torching BBQ’s
- Kirk-tastics gymnastics
- spider induced tap dancing
- cocooned rednecks snackpacks
- water tower cop crushing
- matte painting apocalypse
- a bad case of bed bugs

“Shatner was viciously bludgeoned while filming when his toupee was mistaken for a renegade tarantula.”

rated 9.3 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Kingdom of the Spiders

“Her date with a midget Mexican Hitler impersonator didn’t really turn out like she hoped.“

Well It’s a brand new year. So I say goodbye to 2007 and all of your “don’t taser me bros” and “Britney Spears head shaving shenanigans” and hello to a year of renewed excitement and new direction and a lot of TV political ads. Ok 2007, sorry I said those bad things before…I’m not really ready for 2008 and all it’s Diane Sawyers and Huckabee Fins. I didn’t mean it so please come back. I did however watch the newly refitted strobe of death light ball drop in Times Square last night and I must say that ball was about as bright as a small red sun this year. I wouldn’t have been surprised to see party goers running in terror as the light burned their retinas from it’s new Eco-friendly LED (Light emitting death) bulbs. But instead viewers got to endure live performances of Hannah Montana and see Ryan Seacrest babble on about his hair. Hmmm…. I think I would have preferred to be blinded.

With a new year comes a new crop of b-movies and I kicked off the year with a film that puts the “b” back in b-movie. It even smacks it upside the head and calls it names and makes it sit in the corner sucking its thumb. It’s sort of a less plot, more blood, more breasts, and well at least one beast…(if you don’t count the lesbian gym teacher)…and one beard, oh and several references to the term “beaver.” But mostly it’s a story about simple minded highschool girls that badly play volleyball, shower together, and shop for groceries…so it’s already better than Spiderman 3 in my book. The girls become the target of a phyco French chef who has been killing girls wandering the nearby forest. I only think he was French based on his angry disposition and hatred for Americans…though he sort of reminded me of a cross between the chef from the Muppets and the lead singer from ZZ-Top.

The surviving group of the girls decide to throw a party that night even with the knowledge there’s a killer on the loose. So after a marathon long grocery shopping session and extensive party preparations that would make Martha Stewart jealous, they finally get the tunes jamming and snacks snacking. Hot tub dipping and extended dressing and undressing scenes pad the film like a Larry Flint with ADD is directing but that’s to just to keep us paying attention.

A few of the local highschool guys crash the bikini hot tub party after narrowly escaping a creepy football jockfest game of twister down the street. Popcorn and Strawberry daiquiri’s are served….and served..and served again. Because nothing helps your senses and survival skills like dousing your brain in alcohol. The chef slices and dices through most of these drunk cattle like a fast food Japanese sushi meal ( but with bad special effects) until a final bikini standoff in the dad’s garage next to a tanning booth ala Hell’s Kitchen. Chef Gordon Ramsay would have been a better choice for the killer and he would have recommended a fine red wine to go with those party snacks. The soundtrack is hilarious with spoofs on Friday the 13th, Footloose, and Flash Dance along with some 80 style metal rock from the band “White Ligger.” (Don’t accept any substitutes like White Tiger or White Lion..there is only one Ligger.) The film is shot in a “we’re almost porn” budget style, but it’s still entertaining and good enough for a beer night… minus the creepy football player party, so I say check it out and bring your swim trunks.

Keep an eye out for…

- olympic volleyball rejects
- cheeseburger obsessed homeless
- gratuitous use of bedroom flamingos
- grocery shopping marathons
- telephone nun-chucks
- Flash dancing rednecks
- hot White Ligger lovin’
- pre-death daikires
- severed leg hugging
- facist taco stands

“White Liggers don’t take showers…they take bloodbaths.”

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Bikini Bloodbath